Somedays I feel “okay” by okay I mean I was able to get ready, eat breakfast and handle my chaotic 2 year old. He’s not really chaotic but on days where I am an emotional disaster anything that brings out more of my internal emotions Is chaotic. I don’t want to do anything on those days. And by anything I mean, I don’t want to get ready, I don’t feel like opening my work computer. I feel emotional for no real reason. To my boyfriend nothing is happening. But in my world everything is going down in shambles. I feel sad because I feel depressed. Its a depression that I’ve been following for 2 1/2 years now. The length of my sons existence. Postpartum is one hell of a journey. Many would dismiss me and say he’s way too old to pin it on that. But my therapist knows that is the only real reason I am feeling so depleted. I am mainly feeling depleted because I don’t have any ME time. By me time I mean, I don’t have time to myself to do the things I enjoy. I write stories or just do-nothing at all. Because I am always doing something. If its not taking care of Kaylen then I am catching up on sleep for my own sanity. I am ALWAYS tired and nobody understands how hard its been for me to be a mother. A good one at that. I’ve suffered with my mental health far before Kaylen came into my world. But as much as things have changed I still don’t have the strength I wish I had. I wish I could get in my car and go somewhere fun with him, but I can’t because the way my anxiety works, I don’t know when my next spiral will be and how tough that episode can be. The mental toll this illness takes on me is only something I or my therapist understand . To everyone else I am just a weak bitch who needs to get it together because I am at the end of the day a mom. An emotional disaster mom at that. The only person who sees and loves me genuinely for who I am is my son. He still loves on me, its even more extra special when only I know I needed that love that day. He saves me more than he’ll ever know.
A study I found from an article online shared that 40% of Latina women will experience postpartum depression. So many women experience postpartum depression, anxiety and other mood disorders but who’s really talking about what’s going on once mom and baby make it home? Not many women are open enough to share what they experienced. Many don’t share because they had no idea that’s what it was. Others are ashamed of what others may think if they speak up and then the lack of resources. It's like where do we turn to seek help? There is one resource that helped me tremendously during my time of need and where I found my Latinx therapist and that was Latinx Therapy. They can be found on all social media platforms like, IG, Twitter, and TikTok. They have a directory where people can find a therapist near where they reside.